"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words - Stroke rehab version

Shouldn't the very first part of your rehab consist of intellectually challenging your brain? Your stroke doctor moron should be giving something like this to you.
Such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see  who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an  undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very  end.

 

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve  months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of  charge.

 

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and  nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen  a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care center where a  three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left  side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

.. A bicycle can't stand alone;  it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is  now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought  she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point  of it.

   And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the  end.

And a friends version - 

Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself? He asked his wife to go to the store and pick up a six pack for him and she wouldn't so he ran over himself.